What am I here for?

The most difficult part of living at the baby home (for such a short period of time) is that I know now that for me, it is a completely selfish experience. When I'm feeling lonely, or stir crazy, or done with the trials and tribulations of living with 6 other women, I seek solace from the children and feel happy, buoyant and at home.

But then I feel remorseful for taking so much from them and being able to give very little in return. Sure, they get short term love and attention - but after I leave (in particular - after they reach 2 or 3 years old and can no longer stay at the baby home), who knows what will become of them? These little kids live in such a happy and loving environment at the moment, but their future is uncertain.

One of the toddlers was taken home by his uncle the other day and I keep wondering what his new house is like, whether anyone plays with him, what he is eating, how often he will be bathed, whether they can even give him nappies or if he just has to wear dirty pants. His father works in Kenya so Ibrahim will be staying with the uncle. Does the uncle love him?? Two other toddler twins - Hope and Lazaro leave this month too. They are returning to their Masai tribe. I'm comforted by the fact that they have each other, and will be attended to by an entire village, but the initial culture shock for them will be enormous.

I don't even begin to imagine what will happen to Rosie, Lawassa and Dello. That hurts far too much. I feel sick to my core that those babies have given me SO MUCH and I will remember the impact they made on me for the rest of my life. They have made my life better, but their own future is uncertain, and there is very little I can do to change that in any meaningful way.

So I'm torn - I'm afraid to leave them, but I also wonder whether I have made any difference to begin with.